Friday, September 29, 2006

Things are getting WEIRD!

Alright. Fasten your seatbelts for this is going to be an odd blog.

A lot of times I forget that I have my own MySpace account since I primarily run the profile for the band which leads to my forgetting to log in to my personal account from time to time. Today I did. I happened to find an interesting message in my inbox, so let me share this anecdote with you.

I recieved this particular message from a 41 year old woman based out of Pennsylvania. An avid fan of College Basketball, Classical Music, and the Bible, she seems to also be fixated by MTV Reality Shows - in particular The Real World and those MTV Real World/Road Rules Challenge shows where all the former house brats compete at mindless tests of strength, endurance, and smarts for a chance to win obnoxious amounts of money. Oh, and they film all the drama and broadcast it out to people who choose to live vacariously through these twenty-somethings as they learn together the secrets of life, love, and the effects of excessive alcohol consumption.
Throughout the course of the show they all have the opportunity to scheme, lie, cheat, and steal in an effort to vote out the other brats so that they are able to live out their fantasies of having no friends, but being insanely wealthy. There are catfights, sloppy drunken brawls, and F-Bombs going off as if they were weapons of mass destruction. Or in this case, It's white trash kids just being themselves.
The more I think about it, the more brilliant I think this is. Take a bunch of spoiled brats from "different walks of life" stick them all in a house together, add gallons upon gallons of alchohol, a quick sprinkle of lust, drama, and tears... now dangle $500,000 over their heads and let the cameras roll!

Anywho. I got off track there for a minute.
So at one point or another, there was this guy on one of these challenges named Wes.
He looks like this:

He's your typical jocky frat guy who grew up on the mean streets of Nebraska husking corn and wrasslin' pigs for cash. On the weekends he would strap on his beer helmet and cruise from bar to bar trying to get women with his failsafe pickup line: "OH MY GOD I'M SO WASTED!" It would work everytime. Nebraska isn't a big state, so I'm sure he had to venture elsewhere after he'd mistakenly hooked up with all of his cousins.

My name is Wes. This is me:

I'm your typical skinny white guy who grew up on the mean streets of Ohio sitting in my room alone, playing my guitar. I also have a cool hat in that pic, but that is completely unrelated to my main point here.

Do you see any similarities between these two Wes's?
I don't either.
So imagine my surprise when a 41 year old christian woman from Pennsylvania sends me an email thinking that I am the guy from MTV and the Real World Series.
That's right. She thinks that I am that jocky frat guy with the beer helmet.

Let's take a look at the letter that she sent, shall we?

"Hi Wes,
I'm just an ordinary fan, who watched you on the Real World and Fresh Meat. I thought it was great, not that they sent you into Exile every episode, but you kicked ass every time!!!! People said during Fresh Meat that you were conceded, self-absorbled, but I saw it more that you were filled with confidence, there is a difference, wouldn't you agree? I hope to see you on more challenges, they are my favorite shows, and I look so forward to when they are running. You don't seem like some "skinny guy", I found you more one of the most fit guys on Frest Meat. I just loved when you would kick their asses!!!! I can't stand Tina's trap, and I loved the episode when you guys were standing on those logs, and you gave it to her good. I'm not a person full of hate, but Tina really ginded on my nerves. I'm sure I'm not the only one who felt that way.
I hope things are going well with Johanna,forgive me if I spelled it incorrectly. She is a beautiful woman and you two fit together it seems, so I hope that part of your life is great.
Best of luck with your band. Something I didn't know about you until I check out My Space. That's totally awesome, best of luck to you. Take care Wes, and I hope this note finds you well. Sincerely, Danae (last name witheld)"

So, there you have it. My first fan letter and it's not even technically to me. This letter caused me to have a moral dilemma. Do I just ignore the letter? Should I respond and tell her she has the wrong Wes? Or better yet, should I respond as this guy and make her day?
I paused to consider which would be the most fun for me, so I've decided to respond as if I were Wes. The other Wes.
Here's the response I plan on sending:

"Hey Danae!
Thanks for watching The Real World and Fresh Meat! I'm a true attention-whore, so it's nice to know that people were tuned in and noticing me. As far as people calling me conceded or self absorbed, I can understand why they would say that. Mostly because it's true. I'm cocky and won every exile because the others were weak, unintimidating, and drunk half the time. You say it's confidence, and I'm glad you saw that. I'm confident that I'm the man. I'm going to keep coming back for these challenges because it's good money and I don't ever want to have to get a real job. I find that bickering, drinking, and busting heads here and there are the most effective ways to garauntee a paycheck, so I'll keep doing them until I lose an arm or leg. And even then I will still try to participate, because as I said earlier, I am the man.
Thanks for saying that I looked fit on the show, but please remember that the camera adds 60 pounds. I admit, I did some conditioning before the show. One steroid shot in the butt and one snickers bar in the mouth really keeps a guy energized. In fact, that was my secret to winning. Please don't tell anyone. If they know I do steroids they won't invite me back next season and then I won't be on TV, and people will forget about me. I'm the man, remember? How am I supposed to be the man if I'm not being broadcasted into 5 million homes each week. If nothing else, it's a way to make ends meet. I have to pay a steep rent on my studio apartment where I keep my 6 cats and live with my Grandmother. Plus she has this glaucoma problem and counts on me to provide her with the medicine.
I'm glad that you saw through Tina. She really isn't a good person. Nobody liked her and when I was watching the episodes back on MTV, they didn't show the best part. I know you remember when I got her on the logs, but what they didn't show you was when I tied her to a chair in the sun, cut off her eyelids with a scalpel that one of the cutters had, and then fed her an entire bottle of sleeping pills. That was AWESOME! She really learned a lesson there!
Johanna is doing well. We're seeing other people. Well, I'm seeing other people. She doesn't really need to know that. After getting voted off the last challenge she developed a nasty Twinkie habit and is now 95% bedridden. It's sad.
My band is going very well. We're gonna hit it big one day and perform on one of the challenges. It's going to be an event called "EXTREME Name That Tune."
My band will jam out a song, and the other brats will have 30 seconds to guess the name of the song or they get decapitated by a large saw blade spinning around at high speeds. Plus, all we know how to play are foreign underground punk songs, so no one's getting out of the next challenge alive.
Thanks for the all the kind words, and be sure to stay tune to see what happens.
And remember, I'm the man!

There you have it. My response.
Let's take a poll now - am I going to hell?
Guess we'll find out.

Poor gal never knew just what she was getting into.

1 comment:

Hannah said...

you're going to hell.
but at least for something funny.