Friday, June 30, 2006

Don't Mess with Bob Barker.

As I layed in bed this morning with my semi-conscious girlfriend I decided to take on some giant waves and channel surf the unknown that is Brighthouse Networks. I quickly ran across a showing of The Price is Right. Stopping briefly at reflect on the fact that I had not seen this show in at least 15 years, I decided to take a peek and see how Bob Barker is holding up.

Turns out he's not doing so well.

Bob Barker has turned into an old, bitter man and may in fact be Satan himself.
For instance... during one of the bidding wars, the contestants failed to even come close to guessing the price of a patio space heater. The first lady, bless her heart, gave a reasonable bid of $1,000 which of course put her fellow players into a frenzy since they had seen the same space heater at a Wal-Mart bargain bin just weeks prior but still didn't want to bid low and look like a jackass. Their answer was to bid incredulous amounts of money in order to overcompensate for having their national television debut be on The Price is Right. After all the bids were locked in, it was revealed that they had all overbid by amounts of money that would cause riots in third world countries. He tells them to bid again. First lady (whose name I have forgotten even though she wore it on a giant name tag... because Bob is blind) lowers her bid to a cool $600 and once again sends the others into a bidding frenzy. For a second time they all overbid. He deletes the bids, players calls new prices. Once again, no one is even close. Bob flips out.
He momentarily stops the show to chastise the players for not being entertaining (I'm assuming that he means entertaining to the older folks who are killing time by watching TV before the early bird special begins). He tells them "it's moments like this on game shows that cause the general public to get up and change the channel on the remote."
Nice save, Bob.

After regaining his composure, Bob proceeded to fart a gaseous dust cloud and the show continued as normal.
He once again asks for bids. The first three players enter theirs without even stopping to think of what is coming out of their mouths. They're all too terrified of Bob to even think rationally. Or breathe. Or blink for that matter. The young gal who is to bid last then pulls the ultimate punk move and bids one dollar. When people bid a dollar on the show, I believe they should be tranquilized, tied up, and then the other contestants should be able to choose between a variety of sharp weapons and blunt objects with which to exact their revenge.
So of course this chump of a human being wins with her $1 bid and goes on to win a car or some crap. I don't remember. I was too busy watching Bob try to trip the guests with that microphone cord of his that apparently stretches all the way to Jupiter.

It's days like this where I wish I had that fancy DVR stuff so I could have recorded that episode and watched on repeat the moment that Bob Barker loses it on the contestants. You could almost smell their fear. The couldn't look him in the eyes, perspiration accumulated on their brows, and Bob's outrage may have even caused a case of uncontrollable urination in one lady. Maybe it was just because she was old? I don't know, I'm not a doctor.
It was all so priceless.

Way to keep it real, Bob.

I just have to assume that one day when he's finally forced into the wonderful world of fruit cups and sponge baths that we call the Nursing Home, he'll be sitting around watching old reruns of the show, wondering how he managed to never kill one. He'll retaliate by randomly striking out at the next nurse who walks by.

And remember, please get your pets spayed or neutered.

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