Thursday, October 06, 2005

I don't ever send fan email to celebrities, however, I decided that Canadian Rock band Nickelback would be my first. Here's the message I sent to them:


Dear Nickelback,
I just watched your performance on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. I can honestly say I'd never been a fan of your music in the past. I thought all of your songs sounded exactly the same. They had the exact same progressions and patterns. Your singer did the same stupid things with his voice. You all thought you were the coolest cats on the block. However, after watching this brief four minute performance, I have concluded that two years after your last big hit, you guys still appear to be massive tools.

The song you played tonight bored me so badly that I ran out to Wal-Mart, bought a gallon of paint, and painted over my television screen so I could watch something that actually held my attention. Also on my list of things that I find more fun than listening to your music are the following:
Grocery shopping, root canals, enemas, severe curb stompings, falling asleep in patches of poison ivy, burning my tongue, vomiting, Kenny G, spontaneous combustion, watching dogs eat their own poop, Hitler, power outages, reality television, insomnia, hangovers, natural disasters, Republicans, hypothermia, and eviction notices.

Is your singer aware that he closely resembles a horse? You know, I'm not superficial person, but I would be willing to pay for tickets to one of your concerts if I was guaranteed to see him with a saddle on his back, being ridden around the stage by a midget. Your other guitar player squinted too much, your drummer looked like he was 12 years old, and your bassist looked very bored and embarassed. But can you blame him? Wow, he and I might get along.

The stage had at least eight guitar cabinets and that seemed a bit overkill. As a musician, I know that seven is quite enough. Way to go that extra mile to show the national viewing audience just how overcompensating and insecure you really are. You had no chemistry, but the stage presence of a cat that's been dead for three weeks.

I can imagine that you think your new record is "different" or "unique" or "unexpected" but I'm willing to bet it sounds exactly like your last few releases. Was it hard to write the exact same album again? I can imagine that you had some rough nights rewriting a lyric here or inserting a different chord there. But who am I to judge? Some people love reliability. Turns out in a Sedan, it's excellent.

Your confidence is understandable. For a Canadian band to break in the U.S. is definitely a big deal, however I believe at this point you are broken. Not the good kind of broken. The kind of broken where there's a terrible accident and you turn into a vegetable, but your friends still treat you the same way even though they'd rather you were dead.
Okay, that was a bit harsh. I should have just taken the low road and told you that you sucked. I'm sure there are probably people out there who enjoy your music. What do you think the odds are of them all being deaf mutes?

Well, that's all for now. I'm sure I'll see you guys on some awards show soon where your record company will pay someone a lot of money so that you can "win" an award.

With no respect whatsoever,

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